it is what it is.

The other day, someone read me like a book. She called me out on a thought that I have frequently had, over the years, but more specifically since the summer of last year. It shook me because that was a truth I never planned on telling a SOUL. I've shared with 'some' people, the darkest parts inside my head and heart but that surpassed anything I'd ever shared. I didn't confirm nor deny what she said. Just politely nodded along with everything - I was not about to breakdown in a room full of people I did not know. But...I end up sharing for sure, this ugly truth with certain ones...the one I finally open a door and say I can't continue to do things a certain way anymore. The other person, everything for me was hinging on this conversation that again, didn't happen. Now, the window of opportunity (from me) is gone. 24 hours of silence has come and gone. I feel like a whole fool for baring open the cage of my soul and finally saying I need SOME type of help with no response. I don't know what will happen with the other message I've sent. As of now, if I get a response, I have NOTHING to say. I am terrified of myself. Destructive behavior is always lurking - I'm so tempted to just "nick" along the vein line to see what would happen. I'm tempted to just dig deeper and create defining "art" and marks. I feel so uneasy inside. But the answer I'm going to give if I have to talk (because I am not rude), will be "I'm fine." Clearly the dark parts of me have to stay with ME. I've got my own back. I've got to keep the rest of my secrets buried inside me. I've said too much and look where that's gotten me. I'm just tired, so so tired.