Humorously enough, no one checks this because I've kept it so private and close to my heart. At least it gives me a sounding board and some freedom to write....
Life hasn't been the same since January. Quite honestly, I am still in slight denial about the whole thing. It just doesn't seem REAL at times. I literally feel like it's an out of body experience, when I have to address her 'being gone' or talk about her in 'past tense.' I couldn't sleep the other week and at 5am was trying to stuff crying fits away when it smacked me again, like a fresh wave, that she wasn't a phone call away.
All of that out of body experience and just me trying to be devoid of emotion have put me in this weird position and have me asking "does God even hear me anymore?" I still love Him wholeheartedly and I know in my HEAD that He loves me. My heart, being the stone that it has become, has a hard time believing it though. The one person I would call up for reassurance and to ask all these crazy questions....I can't. I feel so ALONE. Again, I know I'm not. But it feels that way.
So IF anyone read this, I just ask for your prayers. I'm trying, I really am. But January 3 made it feel like the bottom fell out, and I'm still grasping how to get a better footing.
xo,
NB
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