and in the silence.

I've come to accept that I'm a burden on 90% of the lives I'm around. People ask for "honesty" from me...and I can't give it to them because I can't add more "burden" to the percentile bracket. I'm the Queen of pushing people away. I'd like to think I've mastered this...and it saddens me and humors me all in one. No one has ever "fought" to stick around. Years ago, that hurt. Now I'm numb to it and I continue to push people away so they don't need to be bothered. After almost 18 years of self-harming myself to deal with the cloudiness in my mind; I think it's safe to say I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm just trying to blot the dark shadows that hover in my thoughts or erase the hollowness I feel. Even if it's temporary, it's something I have control over. My skin knows no pain....the amount of scars and lines that I have from visible places to hidden all over my body, are proof that I'm just trying to BREATHE. That's all it is. The quick whip of whatever allows me to exhale all that was bunched in, cutting off my air. And if I haven't been able to work my way out of that after all this time....I'm obviously not meant to.